TIGER – CHAPTER V – CHARACTER – RAFAEL LUDICANTI
1.
She seemed to
know that
I was incapable of
not wanting
her.
But the truth is
she had no
idea that I was
completely
unaware
of what I wanted.
2.
Since we were
made for each other
we decided that
the best
thing to do was
to end our relationship.
Exactly as
we most feared.
3.
I welcome my new friend
as he says goodbye.
Character is an
unacceptable
personality trait
for a good man.
The disappointment
of having a
character is
lasting and
non-transferable.
4.
A character test is
itself
a test of both
the character test
and the
test giver.
It can become intangible.
What is the good faith
in testing those
who have
already
proven their worth?
5.
Small gestures
are huge
misunderstandings.
It is good that we've met.
Our future
exists now
only in our
forgotten memories.
6.
Trusting someone and
being deceived
is proof enough
of character.
To be repulsed
by lack of character
is proof enough
of character.
Having character
should be enough
as well,
but we have to
smaller than life
to miss greatness.
7.
Fate has its own plans
but, if I know you well,
love letters
are the objects
you keep
most carefully
hidden
because they are
the only portal
to what we were
in the a past
worth
been lived.
8.
I think I hardened
my heart
too much and even thinking
about it hurts.
I unlearned
to be treated with affection
and this is not
the man I wanted
to be.
We are gonna
lose each other
if we don't stick
together
to the distance
between us.
9.
The only available
semblance
of reality
was nostalgia
for my visionary plans.
It was so
irresponsable
to accept
reality
as I had predicted.
10.
I no longer possess
the refinement
or subtlety of
love.
I don't know
what I have become.
I would like to ask for
your help in
becoming
a better person
than what
you are.
11.
I hadn't memorized
the exact date
of the solstice.
I wandered aimlessly
through the desert
among the strongholds
of the universe.
My terror at the
absence of fear
plunged me into
the horror of
a boredom able
to overcome
talent.
12.
I guess I'm sad because
I'm doing everything
as you said.
I am constrained
almost to the point of
accepting only
my faults.
But I cannot
accept
common sense.
What if I'm wrong
about everything?
What I did
not understand
that you have
to the point of
not even knowing
what I'm talking
about?
13.
He was exhausted
by the bewilderment.
There was something wrong
with my metaphysical
thinking that
made the world
an indecently
admirable
place
to contemplate
darkness.
14.
I'm tired of having to fight,
of war, of combat.
I feel like an idiot who
doesn't know
what he's
doing.
And if my friends agree
with me, they are
disappointed
and I am
ashamed
to ask for forgiveness.
15.
Death prevented us
from killing him
in revenge.
The spontaneity
of its end
did not bring
justice.
I hate being an atheist.
In case I am.
16.
Forgive me,
I'm feeling very
sad and ashamed that
I would have become
who I am,
or what I am
if I knew what
I've become,
but this apology
only makes me
feel
more guilty.
17.
The fundamental work
of a lifestyle is its
wasted time.
No achievement is worth
as much as
enjoying the absence
of effort that
leads us
to contemplate
the emptiness
of existence.
18.
Heal me,
free me from
this endless pain.
Protect me.
Console me.
Help me.
Understand me.
Welcome me.
Forgive me.
Teach me to love.
19.
All the effort spent
on winning,
the whole industry of
persistence
and the megalomania
of victory
just made me
understand
the value of not
working.
20.
I'm too dumb to realize
how dumb I am,
like really dumb
people
really
do.
I've convinced
myself
that I want to
change the world
when nothing has ever
mattered to me
but beeing
in love again
to scape the
claws of this
insane
madhouse we call
home.
21.
Having to work for
money
disfigures
the will
to work.
There is no doubt
that happiness is inadequate
to the human intellect.
22.
From the ruins of
indifference and disdain
I see the sunrises
of rising suns
and the beeswax dripping
in a sterile blood petal
over cinnamon and blueberry.
Your love in cold blood,
yeah, you can be
whatever you want.
But it is within me
that chaos is ordered.
23.
She hated me for
believing I hated her
for no reason
though her hating
me for no
reason
was a good
enough reason
why I didn't need
reasons to hate her.
24.
Kissing her right now
would be so
absolute
you couldn't
be here.
Hear the sound
of my voice
in your memory
and hold me
like I
couldn't
end this world.
25.
She came to love me
because she
thought I
loved her too.
She knew she didn't
deserve my love
but no hate
was due to
her either.
For that reason,
everyone around
was seized with rage.
26.
I would be restless
if it calmed me down
and restlessness
was not a
value.
I was torn apart
and could only accept
the joy I was denied.
Circumstances
just don't
matter
when they
do not
make any
difference
at all.
27.
What she did
was not revenge
for I did her
no harm.
But she wanted me to.
Thus,
in her own eyes,
she would be
a good girl
serving
the purposes of justice.
28.
I didn't want to part
with the good
times but
I appreciate my
own indifference
given its sheer rarity.
I almost don't
remember my life
therefore reverence it
for the joy I lived
illuminates it.
29.
I realized that I
was capable of forgiving
her, so I forgave
her in my
imagination.
She just felt bad
that I was
indifferent to her.
For her
the only proof of
love is
rage.
30.
I wanted to be able
to tell about
a love
without
the temperance
of time
or the doubt of
discontent,
so maybe everything
I felt in saying
goodbye
found some purpose
in becoming unnecessary.
31.
I was always
hated
for being
loved,
now
I am loved
for being
hated,
without sadness,
love, hate
or joy.
People are
revolted
by the admiration
I cause them.
32.
She said:
"I give myself
to you
in submission
for the worth of your
lust.
Cultivate
our passion
and make use
of the evil of love
for the sake of
true desire.
And your poignant
fierce calm be
the cure of
this pain that
has made my flesh
its home."
33.
The rain feels like
forgiveness.
How something
as intense as
a storm
can result from
so little effort.
The rain just falls.
34.
She wants me more
dead than loved.
Therein lies
her hope that
I will love
her again.
I can't help
admiring her
cult of the irrational.
35.
I devoted her a
second of passion
that resulted in
a wry look.
Nothing can be
better than falling
out of love
with what will not
bring you love.
36.
She was late but
ordered a
shot of
invigorating
vodka.
At that moment
I understood that she
had planned to be
unreasonable
and follow
her unqualified
instinct.
37.
It is very convenient
not to have an
opinion.
Not having enemies.
Not having a cause.
Not having a reason to be hated.
Maybe you'll even
get a statue in a square
or become the name
of a street.
38.
Something difficult
would suffice
but it didn't have
to be an impossible thing.
Now
to make sense
we would have to
reinvent the past that
we haven't experienced yet.
Again.
39.
My friend said
that God created
the devil to be
the hero of the story.
Little does she
know that
what she makes me want
dethrone God from his
unapparent place
as devil.
40.
She was my cure.
It was like a dagger
stuck in my chest.
She taught me
that love
doesn't bring peace.
It is an internal
war whose
savagery
soothes.
41.
The superstition of
consensus
took us
beyond what
already seemed
impossible.
My home is to be with you.
42.
There was something
sexual about
her feverish
dishonesty.
Her compulsion
was greater than
her survival instinct.
She walked like
a goddess
surrounded by wolves
reevolved
from dogs.
THE END